Reflections on 2016...

Okay, okay so watching everyone reflect on 2016 really makes me want to do it too...I can't deny it, I want to be part of the pondering, insightful, reflective and self-aware crowd...I've always wanted to be a cool kid. (For real...I'm probably more follower than leader, surprised? Not me!).

So as I was thinking about it over the last few days, this saying popped into my head...

"Let that sink in"

It seemed harmless at the time, maybe I was thinking about a solution to a problem I was working on, maybe I heard it while I was listening to a podcast, reading a book, watching a video with the hubs. I don't know who said it, but the saying has stuck with me for the last few days.

Then it hit me. That's my 2016. That's what the Lord was trying to speak to me, that's what life was trying to get me to do. So much transition has happened in my life in the last year. New home, new marriage, new roles (wife, helper, entrepreneur, work from home professional, momma, dog momma) - you name it - life has changed! And throughout the year, the transition was not always easy, there were emotional explosions, confusion, depression, excitement, joy, bliss, peace, confidence, courage, exhaustion, jealousy, trust, no trust, silos, loneliness, new friendships, old friendships...you name it, the roller coaster ride was legit!

So how does "Let that sink in" describe the ride? Well, for one, I'm pretty tough-minded and stubborn, those who know me, have witnessed. I have to learn the hard way. I have to try it out, I have to examine, use, see, feel, witness and be told over and over and over and over that it's good. Affirmation is after all one of my top two love languages (the other being quality time). But please Lord, make it plain - affirm me! And everyone around me - affirm me! Husband - affirm me, work - affirm me, man it's a constant upkeep with this one friends. I need affirmation! And it's sad at the same time, because if you boiled me down, the times I've thrived the most is when I had the least affirmation, ironic.

So 2016 - "Let that sink in" - what had to sink in? Let's start at the top.

Jesus - My Lord, my Savior, my refuge, my best friend, my comfort, my peace, my provider...I needed to let it sink in that He above all else was going to continue to carry me through the new season, through the new marriage, through the pregnancy, through my roles as helper, entrepreneur, wife, follower. I needed to be closer to Him than ever, and I have to admit, this year, I ebbed and flowed in the Spirit, I diligently read, then I diligently ran from His word. I'm still learning to meditate on it day and night, I'm still learning to run to it when all else fails and I'm still learning to trust Him when I feel like everything is shattering around me...so sweet child He says "Let that sink in, I'm not going anywhere." "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6 NASB

Wife - I'm a wife, I'm married, I have a husband. I can rest in this...yeah..."Let that sink in" - who are you competing with dear child? He chose you, you are enough, you are the one. And so what if meal-planning went out window, you still have jealousy in your heart, you have abandonment issues from when you were a child, you don't feel pretty and worth it and you don't know how to communicate effectively? Welp, that all happened and so much more...but you're still here. Grace carried you, grace picked you up, grace saved your marriage, day in and day out, and your husband, full of grace still believes, loves and chooses you everyday. We did it! One year and a few months later we are still here, and I love him more today than I did yesterday and the day before...and I'm SO THANKFUL for him, SO THANKFUL for Jesus in His life and Jesus in my life. As we both exclaim, day after day, we can't do this without Jesus! Thank you babe for loving me and taking such good care of me through the ups and downs. "For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." John 1:16 ESV

Stay at home _______________ (whatever, fill in the blank), this one is hard for me. My identity always came from my career, my work, my goals at a job. So that's not to say I haven't had work to do this year. But finding my sweet spot of working at home, for School of Permaculture, for It Works, for my family - I still struggle, I struggle with motivation, with getting things done, with balancing wife and work. And who doesn't? So letting it sink in - in this area - is as the other two - still a work in progress. I love having a to do list, I love being busy, but I also love doing nothing. Finding my identity in Christ first, has always been a struggle for me, finding my identity in work has come easy - even when it's not right, off balance and drives me and everyone else into the nut house...so thank you 2016 for all the lessons, the good, the bad, the ugly, the great, the unexpected joys around each corner. We did it! We accomplished a lot, we got work done, we learned new skills, we grew businesses and we survived! Remember though, our identity is in Christ! "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9 NIV

Momma - WOW! I'm a momma...well, she's not here or out of my belly yet, but I'm a momma! "Let that sink in," - as my husband exclaims - "Whoodang?" Lord, first of all thank you! It's a funny story, before the Lord really got a hold of my heart, I used to call Marriage the "M" word as in it's a bad word. I lived in sin with boyfriends and I refused to even speak on the topic, and children, nope, not having them. And then friends older and wiser than me started saying, just wait, you'll get that baby bug - whatever. Well, I turned thirty and my body truly started talking to me, I thought it was a joke. Then, I moved to Texas where the Lord removed the scales from my eyes and I got to see what marriage was about, it was about Jesus, not all the images I had in my head. AND THEN, I decided I wanted both, a marriage and a baby. Well, in the midst of a relationship back in 2012, I found myself with a man who didn't know what he wanted, and I cried out to the Lord, because in my heart I had heard Him say that I was to have a child. And in that crying out the Lord answered me...LOUD AND CLEAR...and promised me, I would have a child. So I ended that relationship, after all the Lord had spoken, and I'm so thankful I did, because here I sit, 33 weeks pregnant, married to the best man I've ever known and we have a daughter, Faithful Elizabeth on the way...THANK YOU JESUS!!! When I reconciled the fact that the Lord had promised me a child, before I had a beau, I would say to the doubters who thought I was getting a bit too old, well, Sarah was 90 when the Lord gave her a child, so I've still got time! And here we are, I'm 41 and my baby girl is healthy as can be and I'm going to be a momma!!! "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 1:20 NIV

So, I'll stop there. 2016 had so many lessons, but I'm ready, just like everyone else to start the new year. I am sad that I'm not starting with a new fitness routine, I'm not ready to kick the baby weight to the curb yet, those always energize me, but hey, this little angel in my belly is soooo worth it!

So for 2016, I'm going to adopt this saying...

"Make Every Minute Count"

It's on the new planner I bought, so it's not like I dreamed this up - but I figured, it's good, and I will make it better, I will make it work and I WILL MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT! And my planner will remind me daily, it will be good, it will be fun and I will embrace each day as it come...letting all of God's goodness sink in!Love you all - thanks for being a part of my journey! Blessings to you today and in the new year! And as you think of me, us, and our baby girl, just lift up a prayer, we love praying for our friends and family and we love it when we are prayed for! Thank you!

Pray and fast...

You just never know where life will lead, you can plan, dream, wish and you just never know...this picture was taken a year and a half ago in CA with the mighty redwoods...and at that time, I could have only dreamed that a year and a half later I'd be married and carrying our first child! I prayed and fasted for us, for him, and God answered my prayers! And not only that, He overwhelmed me with love and mercy, I'm now a stay at home mom, working side by side with my husband on our dream of helping and loving people through Christ! I'm working a business, building our organization and helping people along the way! WOW! It wasn't and isn't always easy, marriage and relationships are hard, but I'm so thankful to be on this journey with him...God knows what he's doing, even when we don't! Trust in the Lord, keep praying, fast if he says to fast, get in line with His will...and see what blessings He has in store! Thank you Lord for my blessings! I love this beautiful life!

#keepdreaming #mcm #redwoods #catrip2015 #prayer #fasting #seekhiswill #godloves #blessings #wih #sop #schoolofpermaculture#mywhy #wfh #wfhmoments #reflecting #beauty #nature #naturephotography #thankful #mondaymotivation #adventure #outsideisthebestside #getoutside #travel #testimonytime

Clean sinks...

Friends...probably ladies...but maybe some men...

This morning as I was standing at the sink, finishing up the dishes...I was thinking about how excited I get when things are clean, when my house is clean, when the dishes are done, the sink is cleaned out and it's all shiny...It gets me thoroughly excited...I feel as if I've accomplished something, that I did something good...

Then I stood there and it hit me...when you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, He alone washes you white as snow...He takes all the dirt, the sin, the scars and He wipes them away...

So that for the rest of our lives we can wake up each morning and revel in that truth- we are clean and shiny, it's done, we don't have to earn it, He completed the task on the cross and all we have to do is believe in Him...but if you're like me you don't wake up thinking like that...

Whew, I got a little bit of goodness that started flowing through me, some revelation! THANK YOU JESUS...I got a little bit more excited than ever about that clean sink today...

Isaiah 1:18 ESV

“Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."

Merry Christmas Reflections

So Christmas just doesn't seem the same this year, I'm missing my family, BUT I'm excited and making new memories with my new Burtner family - which is exciting!  

Today, as I finish up some paperwork, I'm thanking God for His provision...on paper this year seemed impossible, but as I pay my last December bills, I can't believe He provided every step of the way...I haven't received an income in over 4 months. 

While yes, I'm working for SOP, I'm a volunteer, we ALL are...just like I did with TTR in the beginning, I do this because I believe in it, not because it pays me. We are building an amazing organization and as we do all of our proceeds at SOP go back into the organization and back into the Aid & Orphanage Projects...which we are most excited about and Lord-willing there will be a ton more than just Haiti. Permaculture will change the future for so many!

As we build this, I looked for another way to bring in an income. One that would not take away from the flexibility and time I needed to help at SOP. And as you've seen my posts, I'm excited about my It Works direct sales business. Whether I annoy you with my posts or I give you some great samples and introduce you to some awesome all-natural, non-gmo products, you are a part of my journey. So please, even if you're not interested, you are still part of the journey, I have to say, I was a skeptic too, but as I hit my December goals, I'm a believer and as I hear feedback from my first loyal customers, I get excited. God is amazing and He works through so many things!

So, other than giving thanks to God for being my guide and my provision, I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, your likes, your prayers, and your friendship...

My life is super blessed and I can't wait to see all that the Lord does in 2016!

Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you - may the Lord bless you - whether it be in your finances, your family, your children, your job, may you trust Him and in that find the peace and joy that I have found!! Praise JESUS!

Transition

When I was 18 years old, I took a 2 week vacation to Arizona to visit my best friend. This was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. The intent was to reconnect (she has moved away when we were in High School and we had not "hung out" in years. 

Well, after those two weeks, we decided, it would be way cooler if I just joined her in Arizona for school. I mean come on - have you seen Phoenix in the summer? It's so tempting (note the sarcasm!). 

So we concocted a plan that would allow me to "test" it out. I contacted my school and asked if I could do a semester in AZ and then come back and continue on my path there. It wasn't impossible, there were some sacrifices I'd have to make, but if I stayed in shape (my softball coaches instructions) and I returned in 6 months, I would keep my scholarship status and could continue on at the 4 year private college I was currently enrolled in. WOO HOO!

So, off I went to Arizona. I landed in August 1994 and stayed until February 2007 (6 months came and went and I couldn't fathom leaving the desert I fell in love with and the freedom I found there).

Some notes to make, I lied. I lied to my family and friends and told them I had a job, when really I didn't, I just had hope that I could find one. All I had was my best friend and a place to stay and a couple of over stuffed suitcases with clothes (this was before they charged you for luggage).

I lost my scholarship and ended up at a less prominent community college. I was unemployed and broke for a few months before I started working at a local pizza hut. My best friend and I then moved into the city in a furnished, roach infested apartment that brought us so much life and fun and friends, we even named our roaches. I stopped and started school at different times, using all of my financial aid and every resource I could. I ate ridiculous meals, most of the time coming from a vending machine or local gas station, I didn't get a car until after my 21st birthday. I got involved with some amazing people and I also got involved with people who were doing some un-amazing things. I changed majors 2 times, I skipped class a lot to lay in the sun. I dressed like a hippie, a preppy and a punk rocker all in the space of a few years. I tried drugs, all different kinds, I drank alcohol a lot and I did all kinds of crazy diets trying to look good! I pierced my tongue and belly button, but refused tattoos. I lived with my first AZ boyfriend didn't think anything about it. I got "serious" about school and finished up at a satellite campus of ASU. I had relentless faith in God, and would argue that He existed most of the time in deep, drug/alcohol induced conversations (aren't they the deepest?). 

I zoned in on Human Resources in school because I liked people and thought finance was too hard, marketing required too much creativity and international business required a second language which I did not speak. I worked at a national chain restaurant in every position possible to earn as many dollars and cents extra I could, even did their MIT program (bartending by far was my favorite). I smoked cigarettes for about 10 years (sometimes off and on, tried to quit many times - today I'm over 10 years smoke free). I went to concerts, bars, strip clubs even an erotica club a few times (don't worry mom, I just observed). I got an HR internship, became the youngest member on the AZ board of directors, graduated with a pretty good GPA and ended up with a Recruiting Assistant job and went to HR Manager within 2 years of graduating. I went on to get a DUI at one point and spent 24 hours in jail and paid out lots of money to the AZ government. I then went on to work at another start up organization (my internship was a start up - I also learned a great lesson by getting laid off at my first professional job!). I was single and flirty for a long time, I played on a competitive co-ed softball team and then I moved in again with another boyfriend later. I traveled the world while in AZ - all over the US, Mexico and Ireland. 13 years of an amazing life!

Why am I telling you all this? Not really sure...

I think it's sort of a good exercise for me and the way it originated was in me thinking about the transition I'm in now. 

I'm leaving Time to Revive on Friday, it will be my last day. This means I am essentially now without a set income. I am joining another start up non-profit. With that said, I will be able to earn an income as we build it. And starting up an organization as many of my friends and family knows takes some initial (and some time seasonal) sacrifices. 

With that said, I'M SO EXCITED! I'm also nervous...a bit scared and ready!

I'm ready to build, ready to work with my hands, ready to help people through a new found discipline of permaculture, ready to see what the Lord has in store.

One of my life verses is Mark 10:15 (NIV) - "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”  The reason it's my life verse is because it's where I came from and dwelt for the first half of my life. I did not understand Jesus, I did not understand grace, forgiveness, sin, love, blessings...all I understood was FAITH.

In that, I did not waiver, I understood God existed, I just didn't understand how much he loved me or how to have a relationship with him.  But my faith, was hopeful, it was free, it was unshakeable.

So this is really just a post to me...Lord continue to give me that faith that with you can move mountains, that faith to believe you have everything taken care of, that faith that you will provide and free me from the nervousness and fear that tries to creep up!

Here I am Lord - use me!!!

PS - I believe as we are able to honestly bring our past into the open, bring our previous sin out in the open, it allows us to have freedom from it's bondage...I'm learning to do that and my writing is an outlet for that. So, if you've never heard me speak of some of these things, don't worry, don't feel sad or upset for me - Jesus has rescued me from it all and he's healing me from any damage it's caused. Praise the Lord He's already forgiven me of all of it...and in Christ, I'm free! AMEN!

Serve the Lord

As I read my daily bible reading this morning, I had a lot of A-HA! moments, and I'd just like to share one with you...

2 Chronicles 35:3 NLT -

He issued this order to the Levites, who were to teach all Israel and who had been set apart to serve the Lord: “Put the holy Ark in the Temple that was built by Solomon son of David, the king of Israel. You no longer need to carry it back and forth on your shoulders. Now spend your time serving the Lord your God and his people Israel.

WOW! Isn't that what we are asked to do? To put down our burdens and serve the Lord? To no longer carry them back and forth?

And yet, I can't imagine these laborers...the thoughts running through their minds...what's next? The loss, the feeling of uncertainty...what does this new freedom look like? How do I do this? For how long? Every day...I simply just have to serve the Lord? And not work?

I'm reminded of these verses - they instantly popped in my head:

Psalm 25:4 NIV - 

Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.

Psalm 86:11 NIV - 

Teach me your way, Lord,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Our identity must be so wrapped up in Christ that when He asks us to lay something down, we just simply obey.

We trust - we believe - through the struggle of finding our "what's next?"

He will guide and direct us.

Proverbs 3:6 NASB -

In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight

Lord, give me a glimpse of this vision and help me see how to walk it out step-by-step, trusting you ever more. I love you Lord, my strength.

Keepin' on. . .

This is a post that I made last month (June 2015), but didn't get around to posting. In reflecting back and reading it today, it seems like so long ago. As I read it, I'm so thankful that the Lord saw me through. Thank you Lord!

For what it's worth, maybe it's timely for you - my thoughts on a hard week...a hard time. I hope it encourages you, whether you are going through a hard time now, or you are coming out of one, or maybe you just want encouragement for a future hard time?! Whatever the case may be - blessings to you, and thanks for reading!

_______________________________________________________

I've been reading, re-reading and listening to Ephesians these past few days and doing my best to make the best of each day. I have to say, last week was the worst week I've had in a long time, like for real. I felt the enemy right on my heals, pressing down in every direction. Not for any particular reason, but attacking from all sides with a whole bunch of little fiery darts.

I was reminded of this verse:

Ephesians 5:16 - New American Standard Bible (NASB)

16 making the most of your time, because the days are evil.

I was also reminded of this one, as in the pressing we can be aware of the fragrance that we are emitting...thankful for this teaching from my mentor and friend M.E.

2 Corinthians 2:15-16New American Standard Bible (NASB)

15 For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; 16 to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life. And who is adequate for these things?



What aroma I emitted this week was not pleasant. (Unlike the beautiful aroma I experienced 2 weeks ago. . .fresh cut lavender!)

I've failed, I've yelled back, I've gotten emotional and I've cried a lot. I stunk up the place. And to top it all off, I even got a speeding ticket - icing on the cake. . .leading to another melt-down! I even said my word (wink!).

But you know what? The Lord is good, he's also given me small victories, small blessings in and around each day. . .thank you Lord. He's teaching me to to remember that I'm an overcomer and not a victim. But oh man. . .being a victim is so much easier! 

 But it doesn't feel good. . .it's just comfortable, it's known, it's common. . .

But it feels horrible, who wants to feel sad, out of control, angry and abused, not me. . .but that's where he (the enemy) wants to keep us

But GOD. . .Jesus came to rescue, to heal, to lift us up out of the miry muck...PRAISE THE LORD! I need Jesus, I need His strength, I need His security, I need His love! And He gives it, unconditionally, even when I feel like I can't keep on!