Freedom is tearing us apart...

I'm thankful I live in a country where each of us can have an opinion, we can share that opinion and we can practice that opinion...we can say it boldly, loudly, repeatedly...it's quite amazing and I'm even inspired by so many of my friends who speak out..even if I don't agree with them.

I'm sad to see these opinions tearing us apart, enraging us as communities and truly causing so much destruction...

I don't know what the answer is, but my silence is not ignorance, it's not acceptance and it's not a giving up...

Of course for me, I'm praying...I'm reading...I'm researching and I think most of all, I'm trying to focus on joy.

In my journey of becoming a mother, so many people have said to me that it goes by in a blink of an eye. To my parents my life has gone by in the blink of an eye, my daughter is growing and it's going by fast as well.

I want to leave a legacy of love...I want to leave a legacy of accepting people and their differences and showing them love anyways. I don't want my daughter to look back and remember a time when I was "off-color", unloving, judgmental or even fearful of others.

It's a tall order...and I can't do it on my own because I can be unloving, I can be judgmental and I can be fearful and maybe even off-color...

Many of my friends do not know me well enough to know my positions/thoughts on things. We haven't had the discussions, the deep dives into debate, into politics, religion and I'm guessing many have a wrong idea or preconceived notion about what I believe.

Here's the thing, I can't say I haven't done the same thing - that I haven't put you in a box at some point in time...it happens. And when it doesn't...it's because I'm fully alive and fully functioning in the Spirit and mind of Christ. And that's a challenge, not because of Jesus, not because of my beliefs, but because of my sin nature... My nature that chooses not to read the word of God, my sin nature that chooses not to pray, my sin nature that keeps me inside of myself instead of in community. My sin nature that lets fear keep me from loving others who are different. My sin nature that forgets that God has my back (and my front and all of me). My sin nature that wants what I want, not what God wants...

In reading this and thinking on this I can get overwhelmed with a to do list, I start thinking about all the articles to read the initiatives to follow the posts to respond to, the memes to share, things to write, books to read...thankfully my biggest to do is to get with God...

Galatians 5 (read the ENTIRE Chapter) and I'll leave you with this:

Galatians 5:22

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited,provoking and envying each other.

Paying it Forward...

What a blessing the last two days have been, yesterday I was found feeling like a little kid, thanks to an old HR/Recruiting acquaintance, Facebook friend, and her sweet spirit, I have a Fitbit! I'm so excited to get to stepping - well being the list person I am - I'm more excited to check the app and track things! Thanks to all y'all who offered up one, I am truly blessed.

Then, today, baby girl and I went shopping and as we stood at the check out line our card did not go through, this has happened on occasion and it's embarrassing. I have to move aside with all our stuff and frantically call my husband to move money into our account, hoping we have it! I called and it kept going to voicemail, then he texted and said he couldn't talk right then, which meant he's on the other line, working hard...UGH!!! Well, as I stood there praying I could get him texted quickly, the woman behind us said, don't worry, I will take care of it and just like that she paid our $100 grocery bill - I WAS IN SHOCK - I cried, then baby girl and I praised the Lord and thanked her. Next we asked her her name and how we could pray for her, she said her name was Allison and to pray for her 3 kids and her grandchildren... WOW! Baby girl and I prayed all the way out the store and even in the parking lot as I kept crying...What a blessing, it's amazing to me, I just kept sitting there thinking, she didn't ask questions, she didn't make a big deal of it, she didn't judge - she just took care of it. Isn't that how God is? He just takes care of it, because of His son Jesus, He no longer asks if we deserve it or if we need it, He gives us His best. Thank you Lord!

On a side note, here we are in December and yesterday I was reflecting on how much I have really stuck to my goal to not buy anything new for me. I said I would ask, borrow, find at a resale shop or if I happened to be given a gift card that would be the exception...

Again that's how I got my Fitbit (as stated above) and a few other nice items, by asking my online community or my in person community. I've also gotten a couple of new pairs of jeans, a new pair of tennis shoes, and 3 new shirts all with gift cards/as gifts...But for me, I didn't purchase anything new - and I was able to rid out quite a bit (still have a long ways to go - it's an ongoing process - my trunk is currently full of stuff to drop with friends or at Good Will).

As I reflect on this goal, it was much easier than I thought, much easier. We really are blessed people, with probably more than we ever need, this goal just helped me see that life can/will go on without all the things. And then the days where someone gives me a cart of groceries for free, I just look up to the Lord and say thanks and kick myself for ever being so worried that we won't have what we need. He is our PROVIDER and He's blessed me so much with testimonies like this.

With love, kb

Lists for Happiness

My birthday was in September, and I have to say it was possibly one of the worst birthdays ever, at least in my experience. And it wasn't just because I felt old, there were a lot of other things at play. My bs ladies made the best of it and I was able to go out for dinner for the first time ever without little one. It was a monumental moment, adult beverages and conversation and everything! So it wasn't all bad.

Why do I bring it up? Because one of the bs ladies got me a sweet gift, a book called '52 lists for happiness' - it's a journal. The concept is that you complete a new list and then reflect on it for a week. You do this once a week for a year, then voila - happiness - HA! Just kidding, but it's a great cleansing and focused process of getting you to reflect on things that make you happy or things that could be holding you back from being happy.

Well, I'm enjoying it to say the least. I'm a list person. Seriously - nothing works better for me organizationally than making a list. I've tried reminders on my phone, I've tried a multitude of planners, and calendars, but lists by far work the best. Simple paper, pen and lists.  I must see it to really get to work on it - out of sight out of mind is definitely a hazard to me.

This week's list has me a bit stumped - even though a few others stumped me good too, this one I've not been able to even start. So what's the topic? "List the things (from your past and present) that feel like blockades in the way of happiness"

Hmmm...

Well just sitting here now I thought of the first thing...and it's a material/organizational thing, having to do with our home. So it's not a life/death thing, but it definitely can hold me back. Whew - maybe just writing this blog helped me find that out.

But I can't really think of another thing...

How about you? It's a great question to ponder...and a great challenge to overcome. I'll share more insights from the cool book in the future. For now...have a great week!

Feeling deflated...

These past few days I've been making a to do list at night - as a recommendation from something I read - it's been working out well - I've been getting lots of things done - I've also been staying up and working a bit each night...but today - I have zero motivation...I literally just stared at the computer for like 5 minutes...and then went to Facebook and trolled which is super productive as we all know.


So I decided to write a little, fact of the matter is, I had a rough day, me and the hubs drove each other to crazy and it wasn't fun, married life is not for wimps, it's hard. I guess what gets me the most is how much it deflates me, wears me out, kills my joy, makes me feel like doing nothing but sitting around and being lazy.


And that's not who I am - dammit...


It's frustrating to say the least and I'm sure the hubs would have a lot to say too - I'm not easy to deal with - at least that's what I've been told. But life is not easy to deal with. Today at church we talked about how we are to be Spirit led and unfortunately we are feeling led...and that's right where I am.


I feel like crap, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm tired, I'm unmotivated and I'm worried, anxious, lonely, did I mention sad...well there - that's what's happening...the Spirit in me is sucked dry...


So how do we replenish? Sleep, that's a good one. Starting over. Prayer. Fresh air. A shower. A green juice. A glass of wine. A run. A fitness class. A blog.


My to do list is made for morning. I'm not going to get anything accomplished tonight. I must sit back, relax and remind myself tomorrow is a new day. Full of new lists, new accomplishments and new opportunities. And pray...I have to pray. And if you pray, pray with me...pray for me, pray for us, pray for marriages everywhere - because they are not for wimps.


I wish I had some inspiring things to say, but I'm working on being real, in being more transparent, in telling the truth instead of just trying to pump myself and others up. Take it how you like. Such is life.


I saw a button today on a worker at Whole Foods which said "Shiitake Happens" - I need this in a t-shirt...

Marriage Advice...

I read a quote today that if you build a strong foundation for your marriage, it will withstand anything...especially the schemes of the devil that try to pull you apart.

If there's one thing I've noticed in marriage, the devil is all over the place, pulling, tugging, annoying, reminding, forgetting, infuriating, and meddling where he shouldn't be.

So how do you build a strong foundation...no seriously, how?

And don't give me the sweet christian answer of "on Jesus" - I'm tired of the goody, goody answers. Don't worry, I'm not bashing Jesus, I need Him everyday and especially in my marriage, but in this case, I need some meat and potatoes to sink my teeth into, because as I've heard it said before "marriage is not for wimps". Think more tactical, more proactive, more what you've done that's worked, or what you've done that didn't work...that'd be fun too.

So here's my two cents for those reading this that aren't married. If you are praying and desiring a marriage, think about all the things that you are dreaming of, then think of the opposites. For example, cuddling and sleeping together every night oh so dreamy...the opposite...sleeping in separate rooms and not talking because you can hardly stand the site of each other. Why think of something so terrible? Because that's how you prepare for all the ups and downs in marriage...and you need to be better prepared. Life is hard...then you add jobs, finances, kids, in laws, family, travel, unexpected expenses, other people? You get the point, but no one talks about the hard stuff, they only talk about the dreamy stuff. How will you handle a fight, how will you handle many fights? How will your spouse handle them? These are great questions.

I'm not trying to be a Debbie downer here (no offense to Debbie) - but "marriage is not for wimps" right? So, let's get back to how you build that foundation...no fluff please! Leave me your advice because I'm curious! And when you do, tell me how many years you've been married...and/or how many times, not because I'm going to judge you (not publicly anyways), just because I'd be curious to know.

Faithful's Five month Friday!

Yesterday our little one turned 5 months old on a Friday and her name is Faithful...so all day long we called it "Faithful's Five month Friday" - we do silly things like that around here.

What a five months it's been, we love our little angel and she's so full of love and happiness and joy. God blessed us with the sweetest girl, she's got the best demeanor, she's interested in everything, she love to learn, she loves to be a part of the conversations and touch everything, in the house, in the garden, she loves to watch the leaves on the trees dance in the wind, she loves snuggles with mom and loves talks and giggles with dad, she loves when dad plays guitar and sings to her, she's full of love. She's rolling over and scooting on her back, she's attempting to jump out of her swing/bouncy chair and to sit up...watch out world!

While I haven't done a monthly picture, I don't do as much on my phone as I used to, I usually have my hands full with baby, I just wanted to document some of her loves.

Yesterday she did a new thing, which it seems like daily there's a new thing - but this one is fun, she's trying to repeat what we are doing, so yesterday she tried to make the same noises I was making to her and this went on all day - I know it's just the beginning, but it was SUPER fun...

We can't wait for all the firsts and all the fun! What a blessing you are Faithful! So thankful God gave you to us! We love you!

Yep...I'm still pregnant!

So the hubs and I laugh every time we walk into our local grocery store, juice shop or even church at this point...because everyone exclaims...Where's that baby? Or they give us a look...

So today we decided - I need a T-Shirt that reads - Yep! I'm still pregnant!!! LOL!

This is the closest I could find:

We just laugh it off though - but there's gotta be a market for this shirt - anyone want to launch? I want royalties! YEP! Still Pregnant!!!

Anyways - when it comes to birthing naturally, you may naturally have to wait. And waiting for this impatient lady is no fun for momma...

I hate waiting for anything, but what I do know is that patience is truly a virtue and that I am blessed because daily I have a husband that takes my frown and turns it upside down...He's amazing and has continually made me focus on all that is good, all that is true and all that is right! We pray, we refocus, he may do a little dance or sing a little song, anything to get my from navel gazing (literally) and gets me focused on goodness.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not depressed, angry, but I have been (from day to day) a little irritable...(pray for my husband).

While we can't wait to meet our baby girl - we are just blessed to know she's happy, she's healthy and she's going to be stubborn just like her mom and dad...

I can't tell you how thankful we are fall all the calls, texts, messages, etc that we receive daily - we have an amazing network of people who are sending us prayers, thoughts, gifts and pure goodness.

Baby girl - you are going to be so loved...and we can't wait to meet you! (41 weeks and 3 days ) - I just went to look at the days on my pregnancy app - and it cracks me up - it says:

"41 weeks and beyond...
"Baby is the size of a Pumpkin - you are officially overdue!"

Nah - really? - Everyday - I find something new to giggle about...and today it's this!
Oh and can I tell you - I've never had so many people tell me to have sex...I know it's all in love, and I'm thankful for the advice, but it cracks me up...strangers even...

Baby delivering is serious business! And we are ready to enjoy every minute of it...
Be blessed today!

Everyone has a testimony...

I had what my husband calls "a download" this morning...so let me share it here with you.

I know many people that have tremendous testimonies or stories...and as it says in the bible, I truly believe the scripture that says:

Revelation 12:11 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

11 And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death.

And to that end, I love hearing stories of over comers...but here's the deal...I hear SO MANY testimonies and I hear the differences in where people are with their testimony - heck - even I am at a different stage with different parts of my testimony - because I'm constantly being renewed and refreshed and sanctified...

But there's something the Lord downloaded to me this morning...there are two roles in testimony sharing - the person sharing the testimony and the person hearing the testimony.

Both roles have a responsibility and we must be aware of this...gosh - my brain just went into a whole other sermon - there's multiple things to think about when you are sharing your testimony and maybe I'll make another post about that - but for now let's stick to this one.

When you share - you must think about where you are in your story and BE HONEST. I hear so many testimonies that are not sharing in order to GLORIFY GOD, but are sharing in order to GAIN SYMPATHY because they have not yet passed over or overcame the hurt in their story. I don't believe that this is what the Lord desires. This is, I hate to say, manipulative and selfish, and if I were free of this myself I would feel bad in saying it so harshly, but I can't in good conscience say I have never wanted peoples sympathy when I shared...but I need to ask this...

Why? Because I should not be sharing to get anything out of it...I should be sharing TO GIVE ALL GLORY TO GOD! And so should you - and I know some of you do - and you are the ones that inspire me...thank you! You are sharing from a humble heart attitude that knows God did this, this is God's story - not my story...it's his - ALL OF IT. And gosh I really need to do some self examination myself on this one.

But there's more - the way the Lord brought this to me is by listening to the hurt and heart ache in another's story - and I started to take on that hurt and take on that heartache and the Lord said STOP. This person sharing has not overcome this, has not handed this over to me, has not shared from a humble heart but is trying to manipulate you and others. Now I could have easily been upset with this person, but that's not what the Lord was trying to say. The Lord was giving me discernment to guard my heart, to guard my mind, to protect me for bearing a burden that was not mine.

WOW - that's insight, that's wisdom, that's discernment.

I think we all need to think about this - we need to hear each others stories and encourage each other to share, but we also need to be alert and know that what the enemy may intend for bad - GOD intends FOR GOOD...so we have to let it all rest with him, He is the burden-bearer...He is the one that is meant to be glorified through all things.

So I pray today that you set down any story you've picked up and that you examine your story as well, like I said, I need to look at how/when I tell mine and what is my motivation - is it for His glory or for my selfish needs?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this...

Winning or loosing (an incomplete blog post)

It occurred to me how important perspective can be on life...on days when I have a "good" perspective, I can appear to be "winning" at most things.  But then there are the days when I have a "bad" perspective and it appears that I'm "loosing" at most things.

So what's the difference?

What happens in that split second of a thought to taint/affect our brain with the idea that we are going to win/lose in that moment...

I ask, because, I have trouble with this myself.

So here are some thoughts:

______________________________________________

Stop the press - in my last post this was something I talked about - these random, incomplete posts...I decided to start looking at them and publishing them as I was led.

For the life of me, I have no idea what those next thoughts were going to be, nor do I know why I stopped mid-blog and didn't continue.

Feel free to add your perspective or chime in - I'd love to hear what you think - I think this topic is very valuable...and maybe in the future the revelation will come back, but for now, enjoy this incomplete post!

A little pep talk and planning...

It's Saturday and for the last year or more I've had a reminder set in my calendar that says BLOG - so here are my stats of how much I have listened to myself and that little reminder, that was set with such good intentions...

2016 - 3 published blogs, 1 draft
2015 - 11 published blogs, 5 drafts
2014 - 14 published blogs, 4 drafts
2013 - 6 published blogs 

So, 52 weeks in a year, that should equal 52 blogs? Whoops...

Why do these stats interest me? Probably because as I've started almost ten blogs I've never published, I know what I was thinking at that time...Oh I'll go back and finish it later! Nope, can't do it, why? Because it's totally an inspired word, at least for me, a bit of a revelation. I've found, it's not something you can just go back and complete. Believe me I've tried. Setting all judgments aside - (I almost, yep here I go, I almost wrote, maybe I was emotional when I wrote it, gotta let that leave my brain right now). So here's what happens - I go back and I read some those drafts and some of them have some depth, some meat, some thoughts I'd like to share. So, I have thought about just posting them with a disclaimer like you see in shops that resale items or sell discount items - AS IS - No returns, no additional discounts - take it or leave it...that's what they mean right? 

So as I sit here flushing this out...maybe I will do that, post these unfinished blogs with a disclaimer. Hmmm, actually, who needs one, the title of my blog itself is Completely Unfinished. Doesn't that say it right there? So are you on board? You with me? Should I just post/publish those? 

A few extra notes - the dates they were written will be relevant, much more so than the dates they are published, but if I remove me from the equation and get back to the purpose of why I write, I write for others to see, others to hear, others to feel and see that life is not always a bowl full of cherries. And then I can't deny, I write for selfish reasons too - I write for me - because, for me, it's a space where I can clear out the clutter, get it down on paper, try to make sense of my thoughts...

OK - so we have a plan! Sounds like a plan. Oh yes, I love plans, I love organizing, I love making lists! So, prayerfully you will follow and understand, as I have 10 posts to do over the next few weeks. Maybe I'll post one every other day? Who knows, maybe one everyday? Just do it - get it all out there.

Thanks to all of you who are reading this now - as today's blog is totally rambling, organizing some thoughts and all out total and utter spewing on the computer! I appreciate you for hopping or hobbling along with me on this journey. I truly hope 2017 holds way more posts on the blog. And that I actually pay attention to the good reminders I've set on my phone. For me that means that I do what I believe is possible, that I "MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT" (2017 theme). And at the end of 2017 we raise our mug of coffee or glass of spirits and we toast "Here's to life" (a line in one of my favorite band's songs - bonus if you know it)...thank you!

Blessings today and all the days ~ kb

We're having a baby!

So our favorite past time in the last few weeks (the hubs and I) is laying in bed each night and watching Touch - a series on Netflix...and watching MY BELLY!

We are less than 6 weeks away from our due date with our little angel and we couldn't be MORE excited! I haven't done a good job of documenting our pregnancy - other than on social media...so I thought I'd use it as a blog post today!

We have been so blessed, donations/gifts of clothes, toys, blankets, breast pumps, breastfeeding pillows - books, ADVICE - which is invaluable. We are so excited. Her bassinet is on the way thanks to some amazing grandparents. We also have 2 showers coming up and I'm sure I'll cry with the love that flows around our little girl.

And to add to it - seeing her daddy light up...that's been a true gift. I can't wait to see my husband hold this precious child...wooo - gotta stop talking about it - gets me all teary eyed!

So another thing happened this last week, and I'll post it here as someone encouraged me to document it too!

"Had a doctors appt today for baby girl...my dad just happened to call at the same time and got to hear her little heart beating over the phone...I think he might have teared up a bit...(telling on you!) Love you grandpa!!! :-) She'll be here soon!"


Anyways - my heart is full because if you've ever read any of my other blogs, you know that this child is a fulfilled promise from God, long before my marriage, my life was spoken over and He promised me this little girl. What a good, good, good God we have. He loves to give us good gifts and He's here fighting for us and with us in the sin-fallen world.


I'm off this morning for a sewing day with some amazing women...blessed to get a chance to type this short note. Writing brings me joy and whether or not it impacts anyone else, it's an amazing release for me - so go do something that brings you joy today!


Blessings, kb

Reflections on 2016...

Okay, okay so watching everyone reflect on 2016 really makes me want to do it too...I can't deny it, I want to be part of the pondering, insightful, reflective and self-aware crowd...I've always wanted to be a cool kid. (For real...I'm probably more follower than leader, surprised? Not me!).

So as I was thinking about it over the last few days, this saying popped into my head...

"Let that sink in"

It seemed harmless at the time, maybe I was thinking about a solution to a problem I was working on, maybe I heard it while I was listening to a podcast, reading a book, watching a video with the hubs. I don't know who said it, but the saying has stuck with me for the last few days.

Then it hit me. That's my 2016. That's what the Lord was trying to speak to me, that's what life was trying to get me to do. So much transition has happened in my life in the last year. New home, new marriage, new roles (wife, helper, entrepreneur, work from home professional, momma, dog momma) - you name it - life has changed! And throughout the year, the transition was not always easy, there were emotional explosions, confusion, depression, excitement, joy, bliss, peace, confidence, courage, exhaustion, jealousy, trust, no trust, silos, loneliness, new friendships, old friendships...you name it, the roller coaster ride was legit!

So how does "Let that sink in" describe the ride? Well, for one, I'm pretty tough-minded and stubborn, those who know me, have witnessed. I have to learn the hard way. I have to try it out, I have to examine, use, see, feel, witness and be told over and over and over and over that it's good. Affirmation is after all one of my top two love languages (the other being quality time). But please Lord, make it plain - affirm me! And everyone around me - affirm me! Husband - affirm me, work - affirm me, man it's a constant upkeep with this one friends. I need affirmation! And it's sad at the same time, because if you boiled me down, the times I've thrived the most is when I had the least affirmation, ironic.

So 2016 - "Let that sink in" - what had to sink in? Let's start at the top.

Jesus - My Lord, my Savior, my refuge, my best friend, my comfort, my peace, my provider...I needed to let it sink in that He above all else was going to continue to carry me through the new season, through the new marriage, through the pregnancy, through my roles as helper, entrepreneur, wife, follower. I needed to be closer to Him than ever, and I have to admit, this year, I ebbed and flowed in the Spirit, I diligently read, then I diligently ran from His word. I'm still learning to meditate on it day and night, I'm still learning to run to it when all else fails and I'm still learning to trust Him when I feel like everything is shattering around me...so sweet child He says "Let that sink in, I'm not going anywhere." "Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." - Deuteronomy 31:6 NASB

Wife - I'm a wife, I'm married, I have a husband. I can rest in this...yeah..."Let that sink in" - who are you competing with dear child? He chose you, you are enough, you are the one. And so what if meal-planning went out window, you still have jealousy in your heart, you have abandonment issues from when you were a child, you don't feel pretty and worth it and you don't know how to communicate effectively? Welp, that all happened and so much more...but you're still here. Grace carried you, grace picked you up, grace saved your marriage, day in and day out, and your husband, full of grace still believes, loves and chooses you everyday. We did it! One year and a few months later we are still here, and I love him more today than I did yesterday and the day before...and I'm SO THANKFUL for him, SO THANKFUL for Jesus in His life and Jesus in my life. As we both exclaim, day after day, we can't do this without Jesus! Thank you babe for loving me and taking such good care of me through the ups and downs. "For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." John 1:16 ESV

Stay at home _______________ (whatever, fill in the blank), this one is hard for me. My identity always came from my career, my work, my goals at a job. So that's not to say I haven't had work to do this year. But finding my sweet spot of working at home, for School of Permaculture, for It Works, for my family - I still struggle, I struggle with motivation, with getting things done, with balancing wife and work. And who doesn't? So letting it sink in - in this area - is as the other two - still a work in progress. I love having a to do list, I love being busy, but I also love doing nothing. Finding my identity in Christ first, has always been a struggle for me, finding my identity in work has come easy - even when it's not right, off balance and drives me and everyone else into the nut house...so thank you 2016 for all the lessons, the good, the bad, the ugly, the great, the unexpected joys around each corner. We did it! We accomplished a lot, we got work done, we learned new skills, we grew businesses and we survived! Remember though, our identity is in Christ! "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9 NIV

Momma - WOW! I'm a momma...well, she's not here or out of my belly yet, but I'm a momma! "Let that sink in," - as my husband exclaims - "Whoodang?" Lord, first of all thank you! It's a funny story, before the Lord really got a hold of my heart, I used to call Marriage the "M" word as in it's a bad word. I lived in sin with boyfriends and I refused to even speak on the topic, and children, nope, not having them. And then friends older and wiser than me started saying, just wait, you'll get that baby bug - whatever. Well, I turned thirty and my body truly started talking to me, I thought it was a joke. Then, I moved to Texas where the Lord removed the scales from my eyes and I got to see what marriage was about, it was about Jesus, not all the images I had in my head. AND THEN, I decided I wanted both, a marriage and a baby. Well, in the midst of a relationship back in 2012, I found myself with a man who didn't know what he wanted, and I cried out to the Lord, because in my heart I had heard Him say that I was to have a child. And in that crying out the Lord answered me...LOUD AND CLEAR...and promised me, I would have a child. So I ended that relationship, after all the Lord had spoken, and I'm so thankful I did, because here I sit, 33 weeks pregnant, married to the best man I've ever known and we have a daughter, Faithful Elizabeth on the way...THANK YOU JESUS!!! When I reconciled the fact that the Lord had promised me a child, before I had a beau, I would say to the doubters who thought I was getting a bit too old, well, Sarah was 90 when the Lord gave her a child, so I've still got time! And here we are, I'm 41 and my baby girl is healthy as can be and I'm going to be a momma!!! "For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 1:20 NIV

So, I'll stop there. 2016 had so many lessons, but I'm ready, just like everyone else to start the new year. I am sad that I'm not starting with a new fitness routine, I'm not ready to kick the baby weight to the curb yet, those always energize me, but hey, this little angel in my belly is soooo worth it!

So for 2016, I'm going to adopt this saying...

"Make Every Minute Count"

It's on the new planner I bought, so it's not like I dreamed this up - but I figured, it's good, and I will make it better, I will make it work and I WILL MAKE EVERY MINUTE COUNT! And my planner will remind me daily, it will be good, it will be fun and I will embrace each day as it come...letting all of God's goodness sink in!Love you all - thanks for being a part of my journey! Blessings to you today and in the new year! And as you think of me, us, and our baby girl, just lift up a prayer, we love praying for our friends and family and we love it when we are prayed for! Thank you!

Pray and fast...

You just never know where life will lead, you can plan, dream, wish and you just never know...this picture was taken a year and a half ago in CA with the mighty redwoods...and at that time, I could have only dreamed that a year and a half later I'd be married and carrying our first child! I prayed and fasted for us, for him, and God answered my prayers! And not only that, He overwhelmed me with love and mercy, I'm now a stay at home mom, working side by side with my husband on our dream of helping and loving people through Christ! I'm working a business, building our organization and helping people along the way! WOW! It wasn't and isn't always easy, marriage and relationships are hard, but I'm so thankful to be on this journey with him...God knows what he's doing, even when we don't! Trust in the Lord, keep praying, fast if he says to fast, get in line with His will...and see what blessings He has in store! Thank you Lord for my blessings! I love this beautiful life!

#keepdreaming #mcm #redwoods #catrip2015 #prayer #fasting #seekhiswill #godloves #blessings #wih #sop #schoolofpermaculture#mywhy #wfh #wfhmoments #reflecting #beauty #nature #naturephotography #thankful #mondaymotivation #adventure #outsideisthebestside #getoutside #travel #testimonytime

Clean sinks...

Friends...probably ladies...but maybe some men...

This morning as I was standing at the sink, finishing up the dishes...I was thinking about how excited I get when things are clean, when my house is clean, when the dishes are done, the sink is cleaned out and it's all shiny...It gets me thoroughly excited...I feel as if I've accomplished something, that I did something good...

Then I stood there and it hit me...when you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior, He alone washes you white as snow...He takes all the dirt, the sin, the scars and He wipes them away...

So that for the rest of our lives we can wake up each morning and revel in that truth- we are clean and shiny, it's done, we don't have to earn it, He completed the task on the cross and all we have to do is believe in Him...but if you're like me you don't wake up thinking like that...

Whew, I got a little bit of goodness that started flowing through me, some revelation! THANK YOU JESUS...I got a little bit more excited than ever about that clean sink today...

Isaiah 1:18 ESV

“Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool."

Merry Christmas Reflections

So Christmas just doesn't seem the same this year, I'm missing my family, BUT I'm excited and making new memories with my new Burtner family - which is exciting!  

Today, as I finish up some paperwork, I'm thanking God for His provision...on paper this year seemed impossible, but as I pay my last December bills, I can't believe He provided every step of the way...I haven't received an income in over 4 months. 

While yes, I'm working for SOP, I'm a volunteer, we ALL are...just like I did with TTR in the beginning, I do this because I believe in it, not because it pays me. We are building an amazing organization and as we do all of our proceeds at SOP go back into the organization and back into the Aid & Orphanage Projects...which we are most excited about and Lord-willing there will be a ton more than just Haiti. Permaculture will change the future for so many!

As we build this, I looked for another way to bring in an income. One that would not take away from the flexibility and time I needed to help at SOP. And as you've seen my posts, I'm excited about my It Works direct sales business. Whether I annoy you with my posts or I give you some great samples and introduce you to some awesome all-natural, non-gmo products, you are a part of my journey. So please, even if you're not interested, you are still part of the journey, I have to say, I was a skeptic too, but as I hit my December goals, I'm a believer and as I hear feedback from my first loyal customers, I get excited. God is amazing and He works through so many things!

So, other than giving thanks to God for being my guide and my provision, I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, your likes, your prayers, and your friendship...

My life is super blessed and I can't wait to see all that the Lord does in 2016!

Merry Christmas to each and everyone of you - may the Lord bless you - whether it be in your finances, your family, your children, your job, may you trust Him and in that find the peace and joy that I have found!! Praise JESUS!

Transition

When I was 18 years old, I took a 2 week vacation to Arizona to visit my best friend. This was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. The intent was to reconnect (she has moved away when we were in High School and we had not "hung out" in years. 

Well, after those two weeks, we decided, it would be way cooler if I just joined her in Arizona for school. I mean come on - have you seen Phoenix in the summer? It's so tempting (note the sarcasm!). 

So we concocted a plan that would allow me to "test" it out. I contacted my school and asked if I could do a semester in AZ and then come back and continue on my path there. It wasn't impossible, there were some sacrifices I'd have to make, but if I stayed in shape (my softball coaches instructions) and I returned in 6 months, I would keep my scholarship status and could continue on at the 4 year private college I was currently enrolled in. WOO HOO!

So, off I went to Arizona. I landed in August 1994 and stayed until February 2007 (6 months came and went and I couldn't fathom leaving the desert I fell in love with and the freedom I found there).

Some notes to make, I lied. I lied to my family and friends and told them I had a job, when really I didn't, I just had hope that I could find one. All I had was my best friend and a place to stay and a couple of over stuffed suitcases with clothes (this was before they charged you for luggage).

I lost my scholarship and ended up at a less prominent community college. I was unemployed and broke for a few months before I started working at a local pizza hut. My best friend and I then moved into the city in a furnished, roach infested apartment that brought us so much life and fun and friends, we even named our roaches. I stopped and started school at different times, using all of my financial aid and every resource I could. I ate ridiculous meals, most of the time coming from a vending machine or local gas station, I didn't get a car until after my 21st birthday. I got involved with some amazing people and I also got involved with people who were doing some un-amazing things. I changed majors 2 times, I skipped class a lot to lay in the sun. I dressed like a hippie, a preppy and a punk rocker all in the space of a few years. I tried drugs, all different kinds, I drank alcohol a lot and I did all kinds of crazy diets trying to look good! I pierced my tongue and belly button, but refused tattoos. I lived with my first AZ boyfriend didn't think anything about it. I got "serious" about school and finished up at a satellite campus of ASU. I had relentless faith in God, and would argue that He existed most of the time in deep, drug/alcohol induced conversations (aren't they the deepest?). 

I zoned in on Human Resources in school because I liked people and thought finance was too hard, marketing required too much creativity and international business required a second language which I did not speak. I worked at a national chain restaurant in every position possible to earn as many dollars and cents extra I could, even did their MIT program (bartending by far was my favorite). I smoked cigarettes for about 10 years (sometimes off and on, tried to quit many times - today I'm over 10 years smoke free). I went to concerts, bars, strip clubs even an erotica club a few times (don't worry mom, I just observed). I got an HR internship, became the youngest member on the AZ board of directors, graduated with a pretty good GPA and ended up with a Recruiting Assistant job and went to HR Manager within 2 years of graduating. I went on to get a DUI at one point and spent 24 hours in jail and paid out lots of money to the AZ government. I then went on to work at another start up organization (my internship was a start up - I also learned a great lesson by getting laid off at my first professional job!). I was single and flirty for a long time, I played on a competitive co-ed softball team and then I moved in again with another boyfriend later. I traveled the world while in AZ - all over the US, Mexico and Ireland. 13 years of an amazing life!

Why am I telling you all this? Not really sure...

I think it's sort of a good exercise for me and the way it originated was in me thinking about the transition I'm in now. 

I'm leaving Time to Revive on Friday, it will be my last day. This means I am essentially now without a set income. I am joining another start up non-profit. With that said, I will be able to earn an income as we build it. And starting up an organization as many of my friends and family knows takes some initial (and some time seasonal) sacrifices. 

With that said, I'M SO EXCITED! I'm also nervous...a bit scared and ready!

I'm ready to build, ready to work with my hands, ready to help people through a new found discipline of permaculture, ready to see what the Lord has in store.

One of my life verses is Mark 10:15 (NIV) - "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”  The reason it's my life verse is because it's where I came from and dwelt for the first half of my life. I did not understand Jesus, I did not understand grace, forgiveness, sin, love, blessings...all I understood was FAITH.

In that, I did not waiver, I understood God existed, I just didn't understand how much he loved me or how to have a relationship with him.  But my faith, was hopeful, it was free, it was unshakeable.

So this is really just a post to me...Lord continue to give me that faith that with you can move mountains, that faith to believe you have everything taken care of, that faith that you will provide and free me from the nervousness and fear that tries to creep up!

Here I am Lord - use me!!!

PS - I believe as we are able to honestly bring our past into the open, bring our previous sin out in the open, it allows us to have freedom from it's bondage...I'm learning to do that and my writing is an outlet for that. So, if you've never heard me speak of some of these things, don't worry, don't feel sad or upset for me - Jesus has rescued me from it all and he's healing me from any damage it's caused. Praise the Lord He's already forgiven me of all of it...and in Christ, I'm free! AMEN!

Serve the Lord

As I read my daily bible reading this morning, I had a lot of A-HA! moments, and I'd just like to share one with you...

2 Chronicles 35:3 NLT -

He issued this order to the Levites, who were to teach all Israel and who had been set apart to serve the Lord: “Put the holy Ark in the Temple that was built by Solomon son of David, the king of Israel. You no longer need to carry it back and forth on your shoulders. Now spend your time serving the Lord your God and his people Israel.

WOW! Isn't that what we are asked to do? To put down our burdens and serve the Lord? To no longer carry them back and forth?

And yet, I can't imagine these laborers...the thoughts running through their minds...what's next? The loss, the feeling of uncertainty...what does this new freedom look like? How do I do this? For how long? Every day...I simply just have to serve the Lord? And not work?

I'm reminded of these verses - they instantly popped in my head:

Psalm 25:4 NIV - 

Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.

Psalm 86:11 NIV - 

Teach me your way, Lord,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Our identity must be so wrapped up in Christ that when He asks us to lay something down, we just simply obey.

We trust - we believe - through the struggle of finding our "what's next?"

He will guide and direct us.

Proverbs 3:6 NASB -

In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight

Lord, give me a glimpse of this vision and help me see how to walk it out step-by-step, trusting you ever more. I love you Lord, my strength.

Keepin' on. . .

This is a post that I made last month (June 2015), but didn't get around to posting. In reflecting back and reading it today, it seems like so long ago. As I read it, I'm so thankful that the Lord saw me through. Thank you Lord!

For what it's worth, maybe it's timely for you - my thoughts on a hard week...a hard time. I hope it encourages you, whether you are going through a hard time now, or you are coming out of one, or maybe you just want encouragement for a future hard time?! Whatever the case may be - blessings to you, and thanks for reading!

_______________________________________________________

I've been reading, re-reading and listening to Ephesians these past few days and doing my best to make the best of each day. I have to say, last week was the worst week I've had in a long time, like for real. I felt the enemy right on my heals, pressing down in every direction. Not for any particular reason, but attacking from all sides with a whole bunch of little fiery darts.

I was reminded of this verse:

Ephesians 5:16 - New American Standard Bible (NASB)

16 making the most of your time, because the days are evil.

I was also reminded of this one, as in the pressing we can be aware of the fragrance that we are emitting...thankful for this teaching from my mentor and friend M.E.

2 Corinthians 2:15-16New American Standard Bible (NASB)

15 For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; 16 to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life. And who is adequate for these things?



What aroma I emitted this week was not pleasant. (Unlike the beautiful aroma I experienced 2 weeks ago. . .fresh cut lavender!)

I've failed, I've yelled back, I've gotten emotional and I've cried a lot. I stunk up the place. And to top it all off, I even got a speeding ticket - icing on the cake. . .leading to another melt-down! I even said my word (wink!).

But you know what? The Lord is good, he's also given me small victories, small blessings in and around each day. . .thank you Lord. He's teaching me to to remember that I'm an overcomer and not a victim. But oh man. . .being a victim is so much easier! 

 But it doesn't feel good. . .it's just comfortable, it's known, it's common. . .

But it feels horrible, who wants to feel sad, out of control, angry and abused, not me. . .but that's where he (the enemy) wants to keep us

But GOD. . .Jesus came to rescue, to heal, to lift us up out of the miry muck...PRAISE THE LORD! I need Jesus, I need His strength, I need His security, I need His love! And He gives it, unconditionally, even when I feel like I can't keep on!

A Psalm of My Own

This last week our Time to Revive team came together for Dallas Days. It was an awesome time of reflecting and praise and team-building. During that time, as a debrief, we were asked to write a Psalm of our own. It could be a Psalm of praise, thanksgiving, lament or confession, or a combo of each. It was a fun exercise and a great way to process what each of us went through and see it from different perspectives. So, I thought I'd share mine with you! If you're wondering what we were processing, it was 52 days of prayer, outreach and serving the Lord in Northern Indiana - check out what the Lord did here: www.reviveINDIANA.org


My Psalm

Lord, You are my refuge and shield
As I walk in the darkness of the unknown, You carried me.

Through the dark room of a photographers studio,
You gave me a glimpse, each day, of the picture You were developing.

My heart and eyes were anxious, my thoughts and fears raced to see the masterpiece.

Lord, my own selfish desires clouded the picture, would I be a part? Was I truly helping? Where were the answers?

And daily Lord, you quieted my fears, you provided my every need. You calmed my anxious soul.

You give me grace to deal with others who put their desires and needs first. And humbled me to do the same.

You wrote names on my heart to pray for, You brought strength and mercy to surround me.

Lord, each day I doubted - You confirmed my place and in and through your word.

Who is man that I should fear?
Who am I but your daughter?

That I should discredit your work in my life, that I should attempt to please others and not you over all!

And in pleasing you Lord, You only ask for Praise!
So as I seek to see this picture I desire above all, 
You gently ask me to leave it and set it on your alter, and look only at Your face Lord.

Lord, you are my refuge and my shield as I walk in the darkness of the unknown, You carry me.