When you just want to scream. . .

It's been one of those weeks, where I just get caught up in the frustration of everyday tasks, in everyday communication. Where I'm striving to do a good job, but people aren't responding to me. Where I'm working hard, long hours, going above and beyond and no one pays attention. And of course this is all from my own personal, self-centered objective. . .

And so, when I do all that I can to be as clear as I can with my loved ones, my coworkers and the public at large, and the response is more confusion and chaos. . .I GET FRUSTRATED!!!

ARGHHHHH....I just want to scream, over and over!

And here I sit tangled up, mad and frustrated and I'm trying to figure out why? Why do I get this way? Why do others actions have such an impact on me? Why do I lose control of my emotions and feelings? And I know a lot of great book answers, I know a lot of "well, it's probably..." but those thoughts at this moment right here seem to frustrate me more.

What is it Lord, what is it? Remove it Lord, because I obviously don't have the strength to do it. Remove this awful frustrating and even tearful feeling I have right now. And show me Lord your ways, show me why this happens and help me learn how to put it to death.

I'm begging Lord, clean my heart. Holy Spirit, cleanse, because I can't find the problem, Holy Spirit fill me, because I feel emptied by this frustration. Holy Spirit minister to me, because I am tired and too emotional to deal with this right now. Protect others around me from anything I have said and done out of this frustration.

And seriously, friends, if you have any insight, any verse, any thing...I'm all ears, because my heart and soul need an attitude adjustment. (Obviously)

A work in progress,
kt

Hawks and the providence of God

So over the holiday season, the boyfriend and I drove back to Indiana to visit with my family and take a little sabbatical. We had a great time, we visited, celebrated Christmas, visited some more, shot guns, rode four-wheelers, slept more than usual, ate more than usual, all around it was a great trip.

But one of the cool things that this sabbatical included, was the chance to see some wildlife. On our way there, we saw deer as we drove through Arkansas, and if you haven't ever driven through Arkansas, watch out - there's lots of deer (a least on the dozens of times I've gone through it!).  We saw geese and other migratory birds feasting in barren fields, we saw more deer, raccoons, and opossums (and yes some of this was roadkill - that counts right?). But one creature I kept seeing over, and over, and over again. . .was a hawk. Not the same one, but multiples and at multiple times. They seemed to be everywhere and all along our trip. As I would call them out to the boyfriend, he didn't catch the first few, but then he noticed them too.

So this got me to wondering - a lot! I wondered what the hawk represented. I thought back to times in my life where birds in general were sort of a sign between me and God that he was right there with me. I used to spot birds as I was driving that were tracking right with me - literally - they were flying as if they were following or paralleling my cars' route - I'm serious! At first I would take notice and wonder, is this for real? Then I would just smile and know that the Lord was with me.

On our drive back to Dallas, I finally did a little google search, I love the googles. And what I found was beautiful. And whether or not you are a believer, I am, and I chose to believe that God still speaks to us today, to me personally, through all of His creation. So check out what I found.

• I typed in the google search "Hawk in the Bible"
• The first thing that returned was this link from BibleHub, I encourage you to read it: 
• http://biblehub.com/topical/h/hawk.htm
• From there, I looked up some of the verses highlighted, but the one I looked at the most was this one:
• Is it by your understanding that the hawk soars, stretching his wings toward the south? - Job 29:36
• In reading the context of this verse, it's when God is speaking to Job, reminding Job that He is God, He is in control. And Job believed this, but needed to be reminded in his time of trouble.
• And then from there, I spotted this line on the BibleHub page:
• "in its migrations, it illustrates the wise providence of the Creator"
• WOW! Now the boyfriend asked "What exactly does providence mean?" - great question. So the investigative journey continued. (I hope you're enjoying the thought process on this, sometimes, as I've stated before, it's good to dig and look up definitions)
• So next up. . .definition of PROVIDENCE:
• Here's a link (click the image), but I couldn't pick out just one piece so here's a picture too:

WOW! I'm so thankful how God uses people in our lives to push us just a little bit further - thanks boyfriend! This was all beginning to make a lot of sense, and it was lining up with all my prayers during this time.

"The foreseeing care and guidance of God. . ." 

At this time my life, come January 1, was about to make a HUGE shift! The Lord had been speaking to me clearly from July - September about taking a rest. He clearly didn't articulate what that meant, but I could not have believed how it would come about. Starting January 1, it was coming, ready or not! I was going to be going part-time at the ministry I work for, I had said yes to traveling more with the boyfriend and helping him with his organization, I was taking a cut in pay, I was bound and determined to work on spending more time with the Lord and learning how to REST in His presence. All of this was scary, I also had lots of details that were not worked out. . . pay, for instance, how would the Lord finance this rest, how would my time and travel look with the ministry, how would my time with the boyfriend look, would it put too much pressure on our relationship? How would others respond, would they believe my word from the Lord? Would they support me in prayer? How would I tell my family? (Still haven't told them all, whoops!?!). I also had decisions bearing down on me about church, home group, etc. LIFE! AHHHH!!!

BUT GOD! I know, I think I write this in every post, but WOW! He was totally speaking to me. . .the hawks were a foreshadow into the year, to let me know that He was divinely guiding, caring and lifting me over these worries and concerns! Hallelujah. . .thank you Lord just didn't seem enough at the time. I believe it made me tear up a bit on that drive home, but it also brought me some much needed peace. He would carry me. 

So here I am, three weeks into this new year, and the details are still not worked out, but as it also says in scripture, "He only is my rock and my salvation, My stronghold; I shall not be greatly shaken." Psalm 62:2. So I'm going to buckle up and enjoy the ride! Please, as you are led, pray for the details, pray for the continued peace, and pray for all involved in this transition, as I love them each dearly and am so thankful and grateful!

I got nothin...

Ever have those days...where you just feel like you've got nothin? Nothin good to say, nothin good to contribute, nothin good to do?

Well, I know that it's not true, I know good and well I got somethin that no one else has. . . and so do you!

Sometimes, though, these days have to happen. Why? I don't know, probably because the angel that was assigned over me got tired, sleepy and sat down for a bit. And that enemy, little bugger, snuck in with his crazy lies. Attacking my heart and brain. 

Other times, I think God does it so we will ask Him for help. 

Other times, I think it's just a time to be quiet and not think. Which is SO HARD FOR ME TO DO!

Whatever the reason, do not fear (which is written in the bible over 300+ times), for the Lord your God (the Lord of heaven's armies) is on His way! On His way to rescue, redeem, uplift, inhabit, give joy, bring peace, and fill you with love! And I believe He's going to do that for me. . . now. . . maybe now . . . okay maybe I will need to give it a few more minutes.

But I've learned that retraining my brain to look forward to the next A HA! moment is more fun that just sulking in the I got nothin moments. . . 

What do you think?