Transition

When I was 18 years old, I took a 2 week vacation to Arizona to visit my best friend. This was the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. The intent was to reconnect (she has moved away when we were in High School and we had not "hung out" in years. 

Well, after those two weeks, we decided, it would be way cooler if I just joined her in Arizona for school. I mean come on - have you seen Phoenix in the summer? It's so tempting (note the sarcasm!). 

So we concocted a plan that would allow me to "test" it out. I contacted my school and asked if I could do a semester in AZ and then come back and continue on my path there. It wasn't impossible, there were some sacrifices I'd have to make, but if I stayed in shape (my softball coaches instructions) and I returned in 6 months, I would keep my scholarship status and could continue on at the 4 year private college I was currently enrolled in. WOO HOO!

So, off I went to Arizona. I landed in August 1994 and stayed until February 2007 (6 months came and went and I couldn't fathom leaving the desert I fell in love with and the freedom I found there).

Some notes to make, I lied. I lied to my family and friends and told them I had a job, when really I didn't, I just had hope that I could find one. All I had was my best friend and a place to stay and a couple of over stuffed suitcases with clothes (this was before they charged you for luggage).

I lost my scholarship and ended up at a less prominent community college. I was unemployed and broke for a few months before I started working at a local pizza hut. My best friend and I then moved into the city in a furnished, roach infested apartment that brought us so much life and fun and friends, we even named our roaches. I stopped and started school at different times, using all of my financial aid and every resource I could. I ate ridiculous meals, most of the time coming from a vending machine or local gas station, I didn't get a car until after my 21st birthday. I got involved with some amazing people and I also got involved with people who were doing some un-amazing things. I changed majors 2 times, I skipped class a lot to lay in the sun. I dressed like a hippie, a preppy and a punk rocker all in the space of a few years. I tried drugs, all different kinds, I drank alcohol a lot and I did all kinds of crazy diets trying to look good! I pierced my tongue and belly button, but refused tattoos. I lived with my first AZ boyfriend didn't think anything about it. I got "serious" about school and finished up at a satellite campus of ASU. I had relentless faith in God, and would argue that He existed most of the time in deep, drug/alcohol induced conversations (aren't they the deepest?). 

I zoned in on Human Resources in school because I liked people and thought finance was too hard, marketing required too much creativity and international business required a second language which I did not speak. I worked at a national chain restaurant in every position possible to earn as many dollars and cents extra I could, even did their MIT program (bartending by far was my favorite). I smoked cigarettes for about 10 years (sometimes off and on, tried to quit many times - today I'm over 10 years smoke free). I went to concerts, bars, strip clubs even an erotica club a few times (don't worry mom, I just observed). I got an HR internship, became the youngest member on the AZ board of directors, graduated with a pretty good GPA and ended up with a Recruiting Assistant job and went to HR Manager within 2 years of graduating. I went on to get a DUI at one point and spent 24 hours in jail and paid out lots of money to the AZ government. I then went on to work at another start up organization (my internship was a start up - I also learned a great lesson by getting laid off at my first professional job!). I was single and flirty for a long time, I played on a competitive co-ed softball team and then I moved in again with another boyfriend later. I traveled the world while in AZ - all over the US, Mexico and Ireland. 13 years of an amazing life!

Why am I telling you all this? Not really sure...

I think it's sort of a good exercise for me and the way it originated was in me thinking about the transition I'm in now. 

I'm leaving Time to Revive on Friday, it will be my last day. This means I am essentially now without a set income. I am joining another start up non-profit. With that said, I will be able to earn an income as we build it. And starting up an organization as many of my friends and family knows takes some initial (and some time seasonal) sacrifices. 

With that said, I'M SO EXCITED! I'm also nervous...a bit scared and ready!

I'm ready to build, ready to work with my hands, ready to help people through a new found discipline of permaculture, ready to see what the Lord has in store.

One of my life verses is Mark 10:15 (NIV) - "Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”  The reason it's my life verse is because it's where I came from and dwelt for the first half of my life. I did not understand Jesus, I did not understand grace, forgiveness, sin, love, blessings...all I understood was FAITH.

In that, I did not waiver, I understood God existed, I just didn't understand how much he loved me or how to have a relationship with him.  But my faith, was hopeful, it was free, it was unshakeable.

So this is really just a post to me...Lord continue to give me that faith that with you can move mountains, that faith to believe you have everything taken care of, that faith that you will provide and free me from the nervousness and fear that tries to creep up!

Here I am Lord - use me!!!

PS - I believe as we are able to honestly bring our past into the open, bring our previous sin out in the open, it allows us to have freedom from it's bondage...I'm learning to do that and my writing is an outlet for that. So, if you've never heard me speak of some of these things, don't worry, don't feel sad or upset for me - Jesus has rescued me from it all and he's healing me from any damage it's caused. Praise the Lord He's already forgiven me of all of it...and in Christ, I'm free! AMEN!

Serve the Lord

As I read my daily bible reading this morning, I had a lot of A-HA! moments, and I'd just like to share one with you...

2 Chronicles 35:3 NLT -

He issued this order to the Levites, who were to teach all Israel and who had been set apart to serve the Lord: “Put the holy Ark in the Temple that was built by Solomon son of David, the king of Israel. You no longer need to carry it back and forth on your shoulders. Now spend your time serving the Lord your God and his people Israel.

WOW! Isn't that what we are asked to do? To put down our burdens and serve the Lord? To no longer carry them back and forth?

And yet, I can't imagine these laborers...the thoughts running through their minds...what's next? The loss, the feeling of uncertainty...what does this new freedom look like? How do I do this? For how long? Every day...I simply just have to serve the Lord? And not work?

I'm reminded of these verses - they instantly popped in my head:

Psalm 25:4 NIV - 

Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.

Psalm 86:11 NIV - 

Teach me your way, Lord,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Our identity must be so wrapped up in Christ that when He asks us to lay something down, we just simply obey.

We trust - we believe - through the struggle of finding our "what's next?"

He will guide and direct us.

Proverbs 3:6 NASB -

In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight

Lord, give me a glimpse of this vision and help me see how to walk it out step-by-step, trusting you ever more. I love you Lord, my strength.

Keepin' on. . .

This is a post that I made last month (June 2015), but didn't get around to posting. In reflecting back and reading it today, it seems like so long ago. As I read it, I'm so thankful that the Lord saw me through. Thank you Lord!

For what it's worth, maybe it's timely for you - my thoughts on a hard week...a hard time. I hope it encourages you, whether you are going through a hard time now, or you are coming out of one, or maybe you just want encouragement for a future hard time?! Whatever the case may be - blessings to you, and thanks for reading!

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I've been reading, re-reading and listening to Ephesians these past few days and doing my best to make the best of each day. I have to say, last week was the worst week I've had in a long time, like for real. I felt the enemy right on my heals, pressing down in every direction. Not for any particular reason, but attacking from all sides with a whole bunch of little fiery darts.

I was reminded of this verse:

Ephesians 5:16 - New American Standard Bible (NASB)

16 making the most of your time, because the days are evil.

I was also reminded of this one, as in the pressing we can be aware of the fragrance that we are emitting...thankful for this teaching from my mentor and friend M.E.

2 Corinthians 2:15-16New American Standard Bible (NASB)

15 For we are a fragrance of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing; 16 to the one an aroma from death to death, to the other an aroma from life to life. And who is adequate for these things?



What aroma I emitted this week was not pleasant. (Unlike the beautiful aroma I experienced 2 weeks ago. . .fresh cut lavender!)

I've failed, I've yelled back, I've gotten emotional and I've cried a lot. I stunk up the place. And to top it all off, I even got a speeding ticket - icing on the cake. . .leading to another melt-down! I even said my word (wink!).

But you know what? The Lord is good, he's also given me small victories, small blessings in and around each day. . .thank you Lord. He's teaching me to to remember that I'm an overcomer and not a victim. But oh man. . .being a victim is so much easier! 

 But it doesn't feel good. . .it's just comfortable, it's known, it's common. . .

But it feels horrible, who wants to feel sad, out of control, angry and abused, not me. . .but that's where he (the enemy) wants to keep us

But GOD. . .Jesus came to rescue, to heal, to lift us up out of the miry muck...PRAISE THE LORD! I need Jesus, I need His strength, I need His security, I need His love! And He gives it, unconditionally, even when I feel like I can't keep on!

A Psalm of My Own

This last week our Time to Revive team came together for Dallas Days. It was an awesome time of reflecting and praise and team-building. During that time, as a debrief, we were asked to write a Psalm of our own. It could be a Psalm of praise, thanksgiving, lament or confession, or a combo of each. It was a fun exercise and a great way to process what each of us went through and see it from different perspectives. So, I thought I'd share mine with you! If you're wondering what we were processing, it was 52 days of prayer, outreach and serving the Lord in Northern Indiana - check out what the Lord did here: www.reviveINDIANA.org


My Psalm

Lord, You are my refuge and shield
As I walk in the darkness of the unknown, You carried me.

Through the dark room of a photographers studio,
You gave me a glimpse, each day, of the picture You were developing.

My heart and eyes were anxious, my thoughts and fears raced to see the masterpiece.

Lord, my own selfish desires clouded the picture, would I be a part? Was I truly helping? Where were the answers?

And daily Lord, you quieted my fears, you provided my every need. You calmed my anxious soul.

You give me grace to deal with others who put their desires and needs first. And humbled me to do the same.

You wrote names on my heart to pray for, You brought strength and mercy to surround me.

Lord, each day I doubted - You confirmed my place and in and through your word.

Who is man that I should fear?
Who am I but your daughter?

That I should discredit your work in my life, that I should attempt to please others and not you over all!

And in pleasing you Lord, You only ask for Praise!
So as I seek to see this picture I desire above all, 
You gently ask me to leave it and set it on your alter, and look only at Your face Lord.

Lord, you are my refuge and my shield as I walk in the darkness of the unknown, You carry me.

God winks...

This blog has been in the making for quite some time...I've just not thought about how to articulate it. I remember having a conversation with one of my roommates almost 3 years ago (the first year we were roommates) about what I described as winks from God, a parking space, a touch/communication from a friend, an unexpected blessing. And I remember her responding in a way that showed new appreciation, less frustration and more joy - which is what God winks do for me. Selfishly, it made me feel good to help another person see that there are blessings in each day. But I always pray that in helping another, they will learn faster than I did...and can help more people see!

For me, it's a continuous battle to remember that our God is a loving and merciful God, and that through His son Jesus, He has promised to bestow on us more blessings and riches than we can imagine. It's also important to remember that those blessings and riches are according to His glory - Philippians 4:19, not according to this world or even our desires. In my struggle, it's because my mind tends to think of God as a school teacher, grading me on each move I make, always making note of the things I need to fix or change, versus applauding me for the things I'm doing well. (Yes, you can psychoanalyze me now...I'm not afraid to admit I've got issues!)

But when I started thanking God for not just the big miracles in my life, but also for every small blessing in each of my days, I changed my perspective! So while these may seem like small things to you - my God winks get me through the mundane, everyday, and sometimes even rough spots of life. 

Now, do I struggle? Yes, my emotions and flesh take over often, ask the boyfriend and my bible study ladies, but each time they do, I pray and ask the Lord to show me the God winks he sent forth...and I praise Him for that one wink in that day!

So I think for now this blog may evolve, I may add to it, but for now, here's a few notes of my God winks:



2/7/15 - Today - call from the boyfriend, rainbow my friend saw reminding her of God's promises when she needed it (Gen 9:13), lunch at the indian place I like, Smiles and great prayers from the boyfriend, Lord blessing me in prayer time at TTR this a.m.

3/2/15 - Got to go to Haiti! 

3/7/15 - Blessed to eat a this amazing Peruvian restaurant on our way back from Haiti, when it started raining a FREE Trolly passed by and picked us up on our way to the beach, got to dip our toes in the sand in FTL.

3/14/15 - A message on my Instagram from a fellow blogger (check out her BLOG) , text convo with a friend, I sold 2 items on the yard sale group pages - got to pray with one of the buyers - so cool! My roommate gave me a cupcake, more sweet notes from the boyfriend, got to go for a run outdoors, got to read a new book on prayer and spend time listening to the Lord!

Rainy days just aren't the same...

So I've just returned from Haiti, actually Anse-a-Galets on La Gonave Island, which is a small island nestled inside the interior coasts of Haiti. Upon my return, rain has been the theme, for 3 straight days. 

We flew from Haiti to Fort Lauderdale and found there overcast skies and then found ourselves venturing to the beach amidst heavy winds and rain, thankful for a free trolley that passed to give us shelter for a moment. From Fort Lauderdale we returned late to Dallas to rain, then enjoyed our Sunday rest, with more rain, and today as Monday nears evening, it's still raining.

I'm okay with the rain, in fact, the reason I'm writing is because I have a new appreciation for the rain, one that I pray will not soon fade. My new appreciation comes from two things, one my study over the past few months of Permaculture, and two, my recent trip to Haiti. (Check out my pics on Instagram) 

Next to God being my source for life and giving me breath, the next most important thing is water. I do not consider myself a conservationist, a hippie, a naturalist, an environmentalist or a permaculturist...YET. All of these things appeal to me, but I'm a lazy, spoiled person who doesn't have to worry about water, food, transportation, electricity, disease, or much discomfort at all. I mean really...I don't.

I hope you see I'm not bragging here, nor am I knocking anyone, I'm just admitting where I'm at today. And who knows, maybe you need to knock me, go for it, I'm learning and change is sometimes slow and hard. Today is not where I have always been, it's not where I want to stay, I WANT TO CHANGE! I'm a Jesus loving hippie at heart...stuck in a people pleasing flesh that is slowly learning to let go (Lord hear my prayer)! In fact, I haven't used my traditional deodorant in quite a few days and guess what, I don't stink, and all is well. HA! I've also taken a lot less showers in the last year or two, as I'm learning to live more freely and not utilize so many resources.

Anyways, back to the rain...I ran home today looking for pots, buckets, anything in the yard that would collect this rain that was steadily falling down. As I did, I slowly got even more frustrated! I tipped over the pots/buckets we had in the back yard, and have watched them slowly start to collect some water, but more frustrating than that, was watching the water collect on the surface of the soil, puddling. Then, watching it flow effortlessly down the driveway and out into the street, gone...

So why am I frustrated? 

I'm frustrated because I was just in Haiti (the Caribbean) and it looked like a dried up desert, there was lack of water everywhere we went. It was the topic of discussion. Dust and erosion are evident, there's no systems set up to collect the water that does flow during the in 2 prevalent rainy seasons. And you would hardly believe that Haiti gets about 54 inches of rain a year (Dallas gets about 36 inches, just so you can relate). If I showed you the difference in climate, soil and look, you would not believe it. Haiti needs permaculture, heck we all need permaculture, just like we all need Jesus, we just don't know it yet (on either account). 

I'm also frustrated because I have now learned there is a better way! I no longer desire this green grass in my yard, I no longer desire to have a pristine looking shrubbery, I want food, I want water catchment and harvesting systems, I want some ground cover in the front of the house that will actually add nutrients to the soil. I want to figure out a way to stop the run off! I dream of playing in my garden and got so excited to see today that the sheet mulching I did may have protected my plants from the snow and frost...Praise the Lord!

I promise this is not a sales pitch, it's a lesson...for me. I write because I love it, and the Lord has told me to do it. I help others because he's told me the same. One year ago I did not have a clue what permaculture was, and rainy days were pretty much just an inconvenience to this sunshine lover. Today they are beautiful, frustrating and insightful. It's amazing what can happen in a year.

Here's some pics of my yard, and the rain that's running away, at the end of the day, I have some work to do (on the inside and out!)...

#prayforhaiti   #sophaiti   #rainharvesting   #permaculture

When you just want to scream. . .

It's been one of those weeks, where I just get caught up in the frustration of everyday tasks, in everyday communication. Where I'm striving to do a good job, but people aren't responding to me. Where I'm working hard, long hours, going above and beyond and no one pays attention. And of course this is all from my own personal, self-centered objective. . .

And so, when I do all that I can to be as clear as I can with my loved ones, my coworkers and the public at large, and the response is more confusion and chaos. . .I GET FRUSTRATED!!!

ARGHHHHH....I just want to scream, over and over!

And here I sit tangled up, mad and frustrated and I'm trying to figure out why? Why do I get this way? Why do others actions have such an impact on me? Why do I lose control of my emotions and feelings? And I know a lot of great book answers, I know a lot of "well, it's probably..." but those thoughts at this moment right here seem to frustrate me more.

What is it Lord, what is it? Remove it Lord, because I obviously don't have the strength to do it. Remove this awful frustrating and even tearful feeling I have right now. And show me Lord your ways, show me why this happens and help me learn how to put it to death.

I'm begging Lord, clean my heart. Holy Spirit, cleanse, because I can't find the problem, Holy Spirit fill me, because I feel emptied by this frustration. Holy Spirit minister to me, because I am tired and too emotional to deal with this right now. Protect others around me from anything I have said and done out of this frustration.

And seriously, friends, if you have any insight, any verse, any thing...I'm all ears, because my heart and soul need an attitude adjustment. (Obviously)

A work in progress,
kt